as if PCOS wasn't quite enough.

Rather than beat around the bush.. I'll get right to the point.  I had a grand mal seizure about two and a half weeks ago.  I'm okay, well.. physically at least as of now.  I don't remember anything about it, just being put in the back of the ambulance and crying when they said 'Do you know what happened?' I could see my mom crying outside the ambulance.  I said shakily, 'no?' They replied simply, 'you had a seizure and we're going to take you to the hospital now.' Oh, perfect. How exciting. Tears just streamed down my face and I wasn't even sure why.  Probably just emotional.  Apparently, I was working on my mom's car (which, I remember) and sitting on a low stool (thank god) and I just started looking up into the sky and smiling.  My mom was inside the car, cleaning it out and asked what I was looking at.  I didn't respond. Then, the partial seizure turned into a full blow convulsion episode.  Like I said, I don't remember anything.  Which, in retrospect is probably for the best I suppose.

Long story a bit shorter, after the hospital I went to see a neurologist.  At the hospital they checked my blood sugar [it was okay], did a catscan [it too, was fine] and checked my blood work in general [WBC count was elevated, typical after a seizure]; EKG fine as well.  The ER Dr put me on Keppra, which I am still on now.

Oh, and he said.. 'oh yeah! No driving.' And discharged me.

A fun fact.  I quit the recovery center job because I was SO over waiting around, about a week before the seizure or so.  It happened on a Saturday at 11:45. I had to be at work EVERY Saturday at noon, I would leave the house at 11:30.  I would have been killed, killed someone or both.  I'm still shaken up about that.  It's not a stretch, either considering when I quit I was scheduled for that Saturday at 12:00.

The neurologist is pleasant enough.  A chubby older man with a jolly disposition.  I went to have an MRI at his request, because MRIs show much, much more in the ways of cancers, lesions, what area of the brain was effected.. that sort of thing.  I always thought catscans were pretty darn accurate and as it turns out, they aren't.  I haven't heard the results of the MRI yet and I'm slightly nervous, but what good is that going to do?  I have an EEG or something like that on the 14th of this month.  I will get the results from the MRI and the EEG on that date.  The EEG is where they stick electrodes on your head and really, really measure your brain waves.  It can also diagnose things even the MRI can't.  So after all this, we will know 100% what's up in there.

Now, I am taking Ultram for my back pain which I requested from my ortho because I didn't want to be on high narcotics like the percocet anymore.  Well, a side effect of the Ultram I noticed after my seizure was: seizures.  More common with ultram than other pain pills.  WTF? I thought it barely had any narcotics in it, at least that was what I was told and why I switched in the first place.  Also, it says: seizure risk is increased in those with metabolic disorders. Now fancy that! Guess what PCOS is? A metabolic disorder. And, no one's caught this? Just me?  I know I am my own advocate for my health and I will undoubtedly look farther into anything than a Dr will for me personally but this crap was in no way difficult to find.  In no way.  Maybe 3-5 minutes of searching.  And, while on the subject of that apparently seizures are common in PCOSers, or at least not uncommon.  As are heart problems? Fantastic.

So, no driving for 3 months.  I'm halfway through that now, so another month and a half.  But, that's only if I'm seizure free for the next couple months.  Apparently, every 3 months (3, 6, and 12ish) you go seizure free the more likely it was a fluke thing, which also isn't uncommon for people between 25-35 years old.  This is also pending they find no reason why I had it upon further inspection of my ol' brain and the MRI results.

Oh, and the Keppra?  It's making me insane.

Hope all is well with you all, Happy Monday? Yeah *&^% today. [purely a side effect of this ****-ass drug Keppra.  I'm severely unmotivated and couldn't care less about anything. I can't wait to get off this crap!!]

But seriously, I do hope you're all doing well.  I will tend to my little corner of the blogosphere more often than I have been.  <3

i love this blog AWARD!!

Wow!! How cool am I? Apparently, one person thinks I'm just about as neat as I think she is!! A fellow PCOSer and fellow PCOSesque blogger (check her out here !!) awarded me a nifty little award called: I Love This Blog Award (dang, that's a lot of 'award' mentioned in a short amount of space)!!  I'm so very honored, surprised and totally excited! So thank you so, so much! :)

I went back and forth and back and forth again, flip-flopping on what sort of blog I wanted in the beginning.  I'm glad I chose to (typically) write about PCOS and it's crappy way of trying to take over your life.  I, too (like the girl who awarded me) find some kind of solstice in the fact that we are a strong network of not so out of the ordinary girls, and even though I haven't met a lot of people who read this blog it still makes me feel good to know there are other PCOSers out there reading my writing (silly as it may be) and maybe feeling a bit better about their own situation or at least relating to mine! When first started checking out PCOS online I came across a message board called SoulCysters.  First off, it's a damn cute name.  But I really liked the implication of sister. It makes me feel so much stronger.

So this is how the award works:

1. Thank and link back to the person who gave you this award.
2.  Share 7 things about yourself.
3.  Award some recently discovered bloggers that are deserving.
4.  Contact those bloggers and let them know about the award!

7 things about ME:

1.  When I put lotion on my arms, I can't just rub it around until it's absorbed.  I hardly have any arm hair, but the hair that is there can't be swirled around haphazardly.  It has to lay down, and in the same direction. OCD, I suppose? :\
2.  I've never owned an automatic vehicle and it scares me to think of driving one.  I screech around corners because I'm not used to braking heavily (normally, I'd just downshift!)
3.  I sometimes have conversations with my dog when no one is home?
4.  I love to knit, but I know only one stitch, can't 'finish off' a row, and have no idea how to make anything.
5.  After watching karate/hand to hand combat movies--either in the theater or home--I tend to feel slightly empowered after watching it.  Like I somehow just learned some gnarly kung fu and could actually put it to use.  I usually throw a few mock punches at whoever I'm with in the theater (i.e: Sebastian) and he admittedly has the same problem of feeling much cooler than he is after watching these movies.  So, we joke around and kick and punch out way out of the theater and into the car: but really... we feel uber cool when we do it.
6.  Something that makes me more excited than it should: the idea of being able to spend an enormous amount of money (limitless!!) on restocking my entire kitchen.  And remodeling it so it can hold way too much in the way of gadgets and food, glorious food! Not packaged things, but a goal of mine is to be able to make anything.. literally anything.. and not have to go to the store and buy 95% of the meal.  I want tubs of different grains and flours.. the works.  It makes me smile and brings a tear to my eye just thinking about it.
7.  Damn, 7 things aint easy.. that's for sure.  Not sure if this qualifies but, I thoroughly enjoy my coffee (and tea for that matter) with cream and sugar and black.  It flip flops each day.  I personally don't think it's odd at all, but other than the hubby I've never met anyone that enjoyed both equally.  You're usually one or the other, apparently.

Well.. this shall conclude my Sunday morning post!! Thanks again for reading, and thank you for the award!!! I feel like a star....

;) 

fertile myrtles everywhere!

This post title was brought on by a fellow PCOS blogger bud's recent post... it's true, too.  Maybe it's a bit like buying a new car.  I bet you never noticed so many of whatever you drive--until after you'd bought it..

 Being faced with fertility issues, I think it's almost instinctual to notice all the pregnant people from you group of close friends, extended friends on ol' Facebook, to strangers on the street.  You want to scowl and maybe throw something at them.  At least I find I do sometimes.  Maybe even run up and kick them (lightly?) in the shins and storm off.  As if it's somehow someone else's fault I have difficulty conceiving.  I know it's irrational, and for the most part I am genuinely happy for those that are currently pregnant or new parents.  I suppose I'm just jealous that I'm not.

I know I shouldn't feel the way I do and that's why I don't say anything (or kick strangers in the shins).  I mentioned on a post (on that same PCOS blogger bud's recent post) earlier that at work this week I had said my stomach hurt and I was just really tired, when a co-worker asked how I was.  There were three people there and one said 'Oh! You must be pregnant!' the second said 'Yeah! You've been married a while.. you should be pregnant!!' the third agreed.  My jaw almost hit the floor. How rude, I thought.  But, was it really? I mean.. I would never say anything like that to anyone. Just not knowing their situation, from situations like mine to maybe just not wanting children.  I can also safely say that even before I knew I had PCOS, I never said things like that.  Maybe my feelings on it have deepened a bit, but even still.. I never pried into personal subjects like that with people, especially people I hardly know. And when I say 'co-workers'.. I mean people I rarely see and/or interact with. Of course I didn't say anything, because I clearly knew they didn't do it maliciously.. but I do wish people would have more sensitivity when talking about things like that.  Half of me wanted to be blatantly honest and laugh and say, 'Oh no.. that's nearly impossible.  I can't have children without assisted reproduction and an endocrinologist.  Besides, I had a miscarriage in December.. so we can't start a cycle until my body recovers from that!' Oy vey.  I just wish people would think sometimes, yanno?

On that note.. that's pretty much it around here.  I know I've said it a million times, but I'm saying it again: I will be on my second month of BC pills since the MC.. starting Thursday.  I will have to get a refill in a couple months, I think.  I want to take time off (a) to see WTF is going on with the store, (b) to give my body 'time' to recover from the MC and to really get used to the Metformin (which should reduce my MC rate dramatically: to that of a 'normal' woman), and (c) I want to lose as much weight as I can.. even if I don't need to lose a ton.  I can't really gain more than 15 pounds when I get pregnant, and I have not... and I mean NOT been on a low carb 'diet.' At all! And I'm supposed to be watching carbs/sugar.  So, I need to get that whole thing on track.. pronto.  I would think about 5 months out from here would be the best time to try again.  My body would be in sync with my PCOS pills, I could lose 25-30 pounds and really work on a lower carb and sugar lifestyle to safeguard against gestational diabetes.  Ugh. No bueno..


Well kiddos.. that's it for now.  I hope this post finds all of you happy and healthy. Ciao!

slightly good news?

**man readers, stop here**


I can't be sure, but I think the good ol' miscarriage is happening naturally.  And sooner than suspected, too. I am supposed to go in tomorrow and Wednesday to do the HCG level blood work to make sure my levels are dropping and return to pre-pregnancy levels.  This would mean my body recognized that it was a 'faulty' pregnancy and would take care of it on its own.  So much better than getting the methotrexate injections, IMO.  I'd rather not get injections of chemotherapy drugs, not to mention the fact that one is generally not enough--even though they are at low doses, I'd really rather not have 'em!  My doctor said to call her if I get my period, so I'm going to call in the morning so that I'm sure it's a real period and not just spotting or anything; I'm pretty sure it's heavier than spotting already though.  I know she wanted to put me back on BC pills for another 2-3 months because she didn't want to do another cycle so close to a miscarriage.  I totally agree.  Emotionally and physically, it's definitely better to wait.  I think I'm going to shoot a little closer to our next cycle being in about 6 months or so.  If this whole store purchasing thing goes though (and I REALLY hope it does), even though I could make it work it would be so much less stressful if I wasn't pregnant right off the bat.  Plus, I'm at a somewhat healthy weight currently, but I would really like to work on myself a little bit more so that the pregnancy would be a bit easier on me with all my back problems.

It seems bittersweet to say I'm relieved that this miscarriage is happening.  I'm so, so thankful that it didn't drag on for weeks and weeks as I was warned it might.  And it was still early.  Almost 7 weeks to the day.  The way Sebastian and I look at it, our little guy (yes, we know it will be a boy.. even in the future) was just making a dry run to get warmed up for the real show.  Practice makes perfect!  Let's pray that he only needed one practice round. ;)

On a side note: It's freaking pouring.  And I freaking love the rain.  Yes, yes.. I can say that because I live in Southern CA and it doesn't rain everyday or even heavily every year but it is really nice to listen to.  Also a great excuse to cuddle up on the couch and eat soup for dinner.  Which, we of course did.  Oh! I also trained Sebastian a bit at the store so he can know what to do when/if we buy it.  Dang! I mean, I knew he'd have no problem catching on but he really caught on--and then some! He's even remembering client's names and asking them how they are doing.  I was very impressed.  We're going to make a great team when it comes to working together at the store.  We're already a great team in every other aspect of our relationship! Now I see why he's been moved up so many times at his work, and why it's been so fast, too.  Because he's amazing! And very smart. How lucky am I? I love you honey!!

blood tests!

Hey all! So I called Dr Chen today, since I completely forgot to call her on Thanksgiving. Oh well! She was excited... well, Tiffany the girl at the front was excited and I just assume the Dr was, too. The hcg level blood tests need to be done one day apart apparently, so since the lab is closed Sunday I'll be going in Saturday and Monday for my testing and she will call me with the results.  If the results are good, then we'll get our first fetal ultrasound next week!  No heartbeat (audible at least) until 9 weeks, I think.. and next week will be my 5th week, so a few more weeks until the heartbeat can be heard.

Work was brutal today.  And on Thanksgiving, too.  I know you're sick of hearing how ridiculously tired I am.. but crap! I almost fell asleep today. Yesterday was a bit easier since I made Sebastian go along with me.  I like the clients that are there now.  I make a couple of them hang out with me in the store for some company.  I seriously need to invest in a TV, like.. 2 weeks ago.  I know TV rots your brain, but it makes the time pass so much faster.  Maybe some books or books on tape (or iPod).

As you've guessed I'm sure, I'm off to bed.  Updates tomorrow!!

day 13 of 2WW

A little earlier than I usually post but I did say I'd post the results of my pregnancy test this morning, sooo...
it was positive! Granted, like we all know.. that shot is just about the only thing that can cause a false positive, so don't be too excited.  It's very, very faint in person and even more so in photos but I will post one anyway.  As you may or may not know a faint line is just as good as a strong line.  In early pregnancy (which if this is a true positive, it is very early in the pregnancy) lines are usually weaker then get stronger daily on account of the hCg hormone starting to increase.  So yes, as you've guessed I'm sure.. I will be testing again tomorrow morning.  If it is a stronger line, I am going to go ahead and jump the gun and say I am officially pregnant.  Since it's weak now it could mean (a) it's still too early to be bold or (b) the hCg is almost out of my system in which case tomorrow's test would be even less of a line or nonexistent.  I have enough tests to test through the day after Turkey Day, so I'm totally set. Okay, see if you can spot the '+' in the window of the test.  It's heavier on the right side of the light vertical line (if you can even see it in the photo), kind of looks like a lined rectangle with the center blank and heavier lining on the edges. I know where to look for it, so I can totally see it in the photo but if you don't know where to look I doubt you can even see it.  But it is there.  I am a very skeptical person, so it's not just my wishful thinking.. it exists!! 

day 11 of 2WW

Today was my uncle's memorial.  It was absolutely beautiful.  Tears were shed by all at some point during the service, myself included through most of it actually.  All in all a success as far as these things go, I suppose.  :)

We just got home not too long ago.  I'd say Pavi and Avis (our furbabies) missed us, but I'm not sure that would be entirely true.  Pavi was in good company with our friend Jenna, and Avis woke up when we got home and wanted to be fed.  It's been freezing all day.  I think LA had a high of 50-something.  But it's windy and feels like 40 at the most.  We were in Riverside much of the day, but I think the temperature is about the same in both places.  The snow level dropped to about 3000 feet, so the drive out was awesome. Every mountain range from our house to Riverside was snow capped or at least thoroughly dusted.


As you might've guessed--we are exhausted, as usual.  At least the past week I haven't seemed to be able to get nearly enough sleep to get through the day for whatever reason.  At least Sebastian agrees with me this time.  Plus, I did all the driving though it was only a little over an hour each way.  Driving is somewhat draining to me though! Especially the road back.  


Well! Hard to believe tomorrow will be day 12!! Basically, just a few more days.  I'm excited! That's all for now; night night!!

day 8 of TWW

I... am... exhaaaausted.  I kind of feel like publishing just that statement.  We've been crating our dog, Pavi for a while now.  Maybe a few months or so.  Lately, the past two weeks he's been waking up in the middle of the night and whining.  He doesn't whine loudly at all, it's very subtle but it still wakes me up once or twice a night.  I let him out to go pee, and of course he goes and then goes right back to bed.  He has no problem sleeping through the night.  He's been doing it 5 years!  Problem is, he hates sleeping alone.  He's also been sleeping in bed with us for the better part of 4 years.  He doesn't wake up once when he's in bed with us, just in the crate, and when he wakes up (even in the early am, when he's in our bed) he has to pee, just like we do.  Sigh. That combined with the fact that I have had a ridiculous sleep pattern equals one fussy lady.  Here's hoping things will be better tonight.

On a side note: I'm still loving my new iPod!  It's super fantastic.  And it loves me back, I know it does.  I bought it case, cleaned it's screen and bought it little sticky protective screen film, too.  I think it's happy.  Now if I could just get my laptop (mac) and my desktop (pc) to sync their iTunes things would be much, much better.

Things have been so hectic recently, I haven't even had much time to think about the fact that I'm halfway through the two week wait.  Just a week to go!  I am excited though, and it's gone by super quick which helps I think.  My uncle passed away suddenly last week and his service is this Sunday so we've been slightly caught up with that and getting work covered (training the new douche), finding something suitable to wear (aka, buying new clothing because we all know none of us have anything suitable for well.. anything), getting a sitter for our fur-children.  Not to mention the obvious fact that we are all pretty upset about uncle Ross' untimely death.  He was such an amazing man, in so many ways.

I think I will wake up super early and test on Thanksgiving.  If it's positive, I'll break the news on Turkey Day.  If not.. I think I'll tell everyone I'm waiting until the day after Thanksgiving, then I'll go out and buy more tests and give it another whirl.  Either way I'll probably test the next day again.. just to make doubly sure one way or another!

Oh! Mom and I swung into REI to check out the BOB strollers while we were running around clothes shopping.  Needless to say, it was so completely amazing to see it in person.  It just affirmed all of my previous ideas about it: It's freaking AWESOME. Mom could even push, turn and collapse it by herself, which if you know my mother you know how amazing that truly is.  So we're BOB believers! When the time strikes, we're pickin' up our BOB.

'kay, kiddies.  I'm headed to dreamland.  Catch you on the flipside.

day 3 of TWW

PCOS friendly holiday dinners? No thanks!

We went shopping today for some Thanksgiving foodie items.  I have decided I do not want to make an entire turkey this year.  It's somewhat pointless for a couple reasons around here. (1) we never eat anywhere near half since we aren't big turkey-eaters, (2) it's more than likely just going to be the three of us.  Sebastian, my mother and myself.  We have no business eating an entire turkey! Besides, I'm way too into the sides when it comes to holiday meals.  In fact, a couple few years ago we had a Thanksgiving dinner consisting of only sides, no meats! It was actually pretty awesome.  A piece of turkey is nice, but that's about it.  So we purchased a turkey breast today--it's the perfect size! Just under 3 pounds.

We grabbed the things that usually go quick like sweet potatoes, evaporated milk, foil and stuffing. Random yes, but.. I think I'll finish up the holiday shopping sometime this week.  I hate scrambling for things or forgetting things when it comes to that. I was also toying with the idea of making homemade cranberry sauce.  It can't be too terribly difficult. What, cranberries, water and sugar? Maybe an orange peel or slice boiled with it? But is it really worth it? How many of you have had homemade cranberry sauce and how was it?  I usually make applesauce--now that is definitely worth making--but I'm thinking of doing the cran sauce for Turkey Day and saving the applesauce for the ham at Christmastime.

I don't know what it is this year.  It seems like every other year I get very into the idea of holiday cooking. I love to cook and bake... very much! This year, Sebastian and I both are already feeling very festive.  I can't wait for the holidays this year.  How 'bout you?

IUI, Wednesday 11-10-2010

Not much to report on other than having the IUI! Very exciting. There really isn't too much to talk about, which I suppose in these instances is a great thing.  Everything went just like she said it would, she made comments throughout how great everything looked (haha) and how it was the perfect procedure.

Basically, now we are just playing the painfully long, 2 week wait game. That puts us at Thanksgiving to test.  I'm wondering if I should even test on Thanksgiving. I don't want to ruin the day if it's negative, so I might just wait until the next day.  Though at the same time, you know I'd be preoccupied the entire day thinking about the test, so I don't know! What do you think?

My period is unpredictable at best, so that makes things less awesome.  A normal woman would just wait for her period, if it doesn't come then the chances are better (obviously).  Mine may or may not come regardless of being pregnant or not. Either way, it's just two weeks! :)

If my period starts before the two weeks, we'll have the same drill as last time. I'll call on the 2nd day of my period, go in for an ultrasound and talk about using Clomid again or injections and go from there.  If it's positive after the two week waiting period, then I go in for a blood test I believe twice in a weeks period to see if some pregnancy hormone has doubled (like it should in a healthy pregnancy).  Then, some time after that we'll check for a heartbeat at which time I believe I would go off of my Metformin. I'll know more details on all this when the time comes.

Thank you for your positive thoughts, well wishes and prayers.  I believe they just might be working!

monday's ovulation status: negative

Well, I suppose the title says it all.  Of course, we weren't expecting it to say positive, at least not until tomorrow.  Unlike pregnancy tests, OP lines have to be just as dark or darker than the test window.  Pregnancy tests, even a faint line is still interpreted as a positive. So, I had a faint line today.. but it's still a negative.  I'm not familiar with OPKs really, so I don't know if because it was faint today it has a better chance of being darker tomorrow.  Plus, on the packaging it says there can be false positives if you have PCOS or are on Clomid.  Of course, Dr Chen knows all of this and still suggested it so I'm going to go with the fact that she knows what she's doing.

I'll know more tomorrow!

follicle check sunday, 11.7.10

Super awesome. It just deleted my whole effing post. I will try to duplicate.

Egg is at 16.4mm, exactly 3mm larger than it was on Friday. It's growing! Slow growing, but still progressing.  It's just a lazy potential-Garcia.

As of now, I've been instructed to grab an OPK (ovulation predictor kit). They're in the neighborhood of $60+, so I'm going to get the week supply, since I only need 2, for $20.  I wish I had time to shop online, I know I could find them cheaper--but I don't have the time. Plus, if this cycle doesn't work out the way we hope, maybe I'll have a use for the other 5.

Dr Chen wants the egg to be at 20mm before the IUI.  My uterine lining surprised us all when she checked it today--it was like a normal ovulating woman's uterine lining! I think it was 5? With that news, (the lining is supposed to thicken when a maturing egg is in the making to prepare for baby/implantation) she thinks I just might ovulate on my own, since the rest of my body is shockingly acting 'normal.' That would be amazing.  I'm a 'natural' type of person, so this process has been a mix of emotions for me.  I'm thankful and excited that we have a real shot at this with the aid of modern technology, but at the same time the more I can 'do' on my own the better I feel, the more grateful I feel.

Backtracking a bit.  The high dose of Clomid (I'm sure I've mentioned this) thins your uterine lining, and you need to be supplemented with estrogen. I'm so happy we're not going to need more estrogen.  Moving forward. Our instructions are to buy the OPK, use one tomorrow morning (Monday, 11-8) and Tuesday morning (at the same time I did it Monday morning).  God willing, it will be positive come Tuesday morning. If it is positive Tuesday morning, I am to call the office, tell them the good news and make an appointment for a Wednesday IUI.  If negative Tuesday morning, I will still call the office, but it will be to make (another!) ultrasound appointment for Tuesday to check the egg's progression.  By this time, at the rate it's been growing, it should be 20mm.. or damn close.  She'll give me the hCg (hGc?) shot to trigger ovulation and we will also make a Wednesday appointment for IUI--though I believe it will be a different time of day as opposed to the positive OPK appointment. Either way! Wednesday is the day, assuming nothing crazy happens. :)

Oh, I've been reading the famously ridiculously informative (and sometimes silly) book 'What to Expect When You're Expecting.'  Many things I knew prior to picking up the book, quite a few that I didn't, and some I laughed at. At any rate, I am much more informed than I was before.  I'm reading it alongside Sebastian and his book, 'What to Expect When Your Wife is Expanding.'  His is mostly just hilarious. I bought them both on Amazon a couple weeks ago for about $11 total (including shipping). Of course, in his book the front page is devoted to a wonderful dedication about what a great dad Ronald was going to be in September, 1993.. but it was a sweet dedication, so I just crossed out Ronald's name and put in Sebastian's. And replaced John and Kim's name with mine.

'follie' check eve!

Yes, on the message boards I've come to find out that eggs/follicles are fondly referred to as 'follies,' and I like that term. It's fun.

So--I've also come to find that I'm not nervous about tomorrow morning. Not at all, actually. I'm pretty calm.  Of course I hope that our eggs are mature, but if they aren't then they will be next month.  You gotta keep the faith, man.  And I have it. :]

Still, keep us in your thoughts tomorrow morning.  This month may or may not be ours, but it sure would be a blessing if it were.

Update manana!

The Period!

All of my loyal man-readers.. stop here. You were warned.

My period showed up just after office hours on the last day of the work week. AKA Friday at 7:00pm.  If you remember, I was supposed to call the office right when I get my period and schedule an ultrasound for no more than 3 days after the start of my period. Of course, I will be going in Monday morning. Might just show up! Only problem being, while on this awful birth control I have had really heavy 3 day periods. I did however stop my BC pills, but it wasn't more than 5 days ago--so if this is a 3 day period, might not be here Monday!! Grr. I assume this 'while you're menstrating transvaginal ultrasound' BS is somewhat of an important step in this whole process of creating children.. so I will be a little ticked off if we have to start over next month. I think this is the one time in my life I'm hoping for a long, heavy period that lasts through the weekend. Ha!

Keep you posted after the ultrasound Monday.

She'll let me make payments!

So! Day one of no BC. I'm already getting cramps. So weird how fast it works on me. Anywho, we were trying to think of ways to come up with the $800 for this cycle, and we're great with saving money in general but we had very little time to come up with darn near $1000. $800 may as well be $1000 in my book. I think I had my last appointment and pap about a week ago. Actually.. exactly a week ago today. So I essentially had to come up with $780.00 in a week, if I get my period tomorrow or Thursday.  Knowing it's only been a week actually makes me feel a bit better about being stressed on where this money is coming from.  I called the office and talked to someone in billing. I got them (the Dr had mentioned they'd made slight payment arrangements for people in the past) to take two payments of $390.  One the first day or second day of my period/ultra sound and the next payment the day of the IUI.  Seems fair.  It's hard for them to take payments because if someone defaults on their payments, they are left with zero money since insurance doesn't cover fertility procedures.  If someone were to default in the OBGYN sense, at least they'd have something from billing the insurance.  Apparently, when she used to just bill you for her fertility services, people would get pregnant and then just find another OB so they didn't have to pay.  How awful!  So I understand.. and we'll be able to swing it.  Fingers crossed it works this cycle though, as I mentioned the next is $980, but includes the injectable meds. Still, not incredibly easy to come up with for us these days, but I'm sure we'll figure it out and cross that bridge if/when we get there.

Kind of random but the people I work with/for also have fertility problems.  She doesn't have PCOS, she has unexplained infertility.. which personally, I think is even more frustrating.  When I was originally diagnosed with NOT having PCOS a year ago, I was so incredibly frustrated. I didn't want it or any other real problem of course, but not knowing what the problem is, well that's just an awful feeling. You can't explore homeopathic remedies, you can't take meds that you know will benefit you.  The poor thing. They've done cycle after cycle of IVF with no success.  No miscarriages either, which is actually disheartening because at least with a miscarriage, you know you're able to get pregnant.  I think they have just a few embryos left and are trying to figure out what to do with them.  She's just over 40 now I think, so her eggs that she has now are most likely not viable. Her embryos are from when she was 38, I believe (and they are healthy).  I've suggested (nicely) maybe trying surrogacy, as her eggs are great, the embryos they have ready to go are perfect.. and they so desperately want a child.  I think she's actually thinking about it.  Either way it's really nice having someone who understands what you're going through, and if I ever need to run to the Dr,  it's never a big deal at all. So that's nice. :)

Okay kiddies.  Talk soon.  Oh. And if we conceive this cycle, our estimated due date would fall on about July 28th.  Yay for being pregnant during the summer!! Oy vey.. ;)

2 Days left of Birth Control pills! :D

*EDIT*[Rather than go back through and adjust.. I made a mistake! Today (Monday) is my last day on BC pills. Took the last pill this morning. So I expect my cycle to start Wednesday, which will still put me at Thursday or Friday for my first ultrasound!]

Typically, I always seem to update after a procedure or a Dr visit when things are still fresh in my head--but I thought I'd switch it up a bit and just update all two of my followers (love you guys!!) on what's swimming around in my head! So, I have 5 'active' BC pills left, my Dr told me I could skip the last three if I wanted (I want, I want!) and just go off of it then. So that leaves, what? Monday and Tuesday! And then the waiting game for the period. Which, I skipped ONE day previously and started very lightly spotting, breast tenderness, etc etc.. all the normal period woes.  So I'm expecting that wait to be less than 2 days.  Which means, first ultrasound in about 4 days! Thursday or Friday, I'm guessing.  I forget the reason, something to do with follicles, why I have to have a transvaginal ultrasound while on my period.  Other than to make me feel completely uncomfortable! You'd figure by now it wouldn't be an issue.  But, it sounds terrible. The ultrasound isn't bad at all, I had one my first visit to diagnose the PCOS.  Oh well. As a friend would say, we're doing this for our little miracle(s)! I'll keep you updated, as I'm sure you're just dying to know when I start my period. Ciao!

Follow-up w/Dr Chen

Today I went in to see Dr Chen to go over my HSG results (and, to throw in a papsmear). I already knew that they were normal (HSG) as the Doctor that performed the test informed me of such right after! But it was nice to see the written report and to hear it from her, and to be able to spend a little more time talking about it. No tumors, both tubes were clear, no defects, no abnormalities involving the uterus or endometrial cavity. Yay? Yay!

Finally got copies of mine and hubby's blood work results.  We knew everything was alright, but again.. nice to go over in detail and to receive copies for our medical files here at home.  No STDs, no AIDS, I'm not a cystic fibrosis carrier, blood sugar is great, immune to chicken pox, I'm type O-Positive (thought it was negative all these years), insulin of course was 25.3 which is high on account of my PCOS.  Hubby just had a 'infertility ID screen'--which isn't as in depth as mine was so there isn't too much to report on, but semen analysis and STD/HIV panel was all perfect. So we've been COMPLETELY cleared to get crackin'. We're totally healthy!

So, remember how I had thought that I was going to have to finish out my BC pills? Well, she said just to do it for another week.. which means, our first cycle of TTC (trying to conceive) is in ..... deeeep breath... 2  and a half weeks there abouts. AHH! I'm so excited/nervous/scared/and more excited than anything.

The technical mumbo jumbo is as follows. Well, infertility isn't considered a 'medical necessity' so 99% of insurances (and all insurances in the state of CA) do not cover any fertility treatments.  I love my RE (reproductive endocrinologist), and her prices are in the normal range. It will cost us about $800.00 per cycle, at least the first cycle (month 1) because we will be using Clomid (cheaper than other options) to induce ovulation. Not cheap, but not as bad as it could be.. I suppose. This includes multiple ultrasounds/office visits--doesn't include the Clomid, though it's cheap @ Walmart pharmacy--and one IUI (intrauterine insemination).  Dr Chen's goal, as well as our goal, is to get this knocked out (and me knocked up!) as quickly as possible; the less cycles the better. A couple few at MOST. We're really praying/hoping this will work on the first cycle. The odds aren't really against us, but they aren't exactly cheering us along and showing us the way, either.  About 25% of the time, Clomid does not work. It's not a small percentage, but it isn't too discouraging. Some women, most actually, their Drs put them on cycle after cycle of Clomid.  Dr Chen and I agreed wholeheartedly that the longer something like this drags out when a medicine clearly isn't working with your body, the harder and more discouraging this will be on you, your husband, your job, your life in general and even your marriage.  An oxymoron, seeing as how you are creating a life and preparing for the happiest time of your lives together.

If the Clomid doesn't work in the first cycle, we will keep everything else the same (multiple ultrasounds/visits, IUI), but instead of the Clomid we will use an injectable ovulation medication: a trigger shot. On both cycles, we will be doing the IUI as well as the ol' fashioned way because Clomid and fertility drugs in general tend to thicken cervical mucus apparently, and makes it harder for sperm to find it's way. With the IUI, obviously, it has no problem getting to the uterus.  We might be successful with or without the IUIs, but in an effort to give ourselves the best odds, we've opted for doing that right from the start. The trigger shot 'package' is just about $1000.00 per cycle, $200 more than the Clomid package. This is the total cost per cycle, so you can see where this could get expensive...REALLY expensive if you weren't aggressive with it and just did cycle after cycle after cycle.

Oh, and since I've met my deductible with our HealthNet PPO/Insurance.. my prescriptions have been free for the last 3 months.  I was using Nature Made prenatal multi's + DHA (200mg of DHA in the vitamin), which were typically $18.99 a bottle. For a months supply. Not too bad, but hey.. if I can get pharmaceutical grade vitamins for free.. why not?! So I asked for a prescription and she said sure, wrote me one, and added that they didn't previously make (in the pharmacy) a prenatal with DHA in it. The ones she prescribed are called CitraNatal90DHA. They come in blister packs in the box and you take two gels a day, that look different so I assume this one doesn't have the DHA in the vitamin, it's separate.  I was just reading the box to get the name and noticed '..Gentle calcium citrate and dual iron, plus a stool softener...' Niiiiice.

I'll keep you updated! Next post will be how great or how not-so-great the new vitamins are. Not thrilled with the 'stool softening' bit on account of my taking Metformin 2x a day. G'head. Google Metformin side effects. You'll figure it out. Apparently, the new vits are amazing, according to Dr Chen and my pharmacist. So we'll see! The post after that one will be.... about... TTC, Cycle 1! Besos!

Diagnosed.. Eventually.

It's difficult to say whether or not finally putting a name to this monster is a positive or a negative experience. I suppose it's a bit of both. First of all, it's darn near impossible to get diagnosed. There are so many symptoms of PCOS and not any one woman has the same symptoms as the next.  Some have multiple, healthy children while others struggle with infertility their whole lives. 

So. As I was saying in the previous post.. it was [past] time for a specialists opinion. I needed some answers so we could get this thing figured out.  First, I went to a regular endocrinologist. She was nice, and  in-network for my insurance. Perfect! Well, we did the excessive blood work--literally everything from cholesterol to STDs to FSH. It was 'hard' on a few of the hormone tests because neither myself or my Dr had any way of knowing which day of my cycle I was in, because that year I had only had 3 periods (this was October, 2009). My guess is that your hormone levels vary in range depending on if you're ovulating, menstruating, etc. That's my guess, at least.  Either way, I get an email from my Doctor--who specializes in diabetes and hormone/endocrinology--everything is fine. No STDs (thank God), everything else is within range. A sigh of relief. But wait, what the hell? Is that it? I made an appointment to go see her the following day. We went over my blood work results briefly. I nodded and agreed on most of what she had to say. My total testosterone was on the high end of the 'normal' scale. But, still in range. There were a few other things that were the same result. High end of the scale, but still... on the scale. 

I finally asked. Well, what could be the problem then? I had come to her with the suspicions of being diagnosed with PCOS. She had asked me what made me think I had PCOS. I said, well mostly the absent period, but there were a few other minor signs. After going over my blood work she said there were plenty of other things it could be. One being, unexplained infertility, or premature ovarian failure, or that I was entering menopause early and had no eggs left. All of which there is zero treatment for. I was in tears leaving the Dr office. 

Almost a year to the day, I got in a tiff (with myself) as I was going back to that diagnosis in my head. I had joined a support-type message board that I hadn't been active on at all since the lack of PCOS diagnoses.  I was sifting through some posts about how people had frequently been misdiagnosed in the past; most had gone through 2 or 3 doctors before finally getting positively diagnosed with PCOS! This instilled a bit of hope that there might be a way I could have also been misdiagnosed. A sidenote: No one HOPES to get this disease. No one in their right mind. But, after being told I had premature ovarian failure, I was hoping for a light at the end of the tunnel. Any light. After a year of casual research, I had come to find out that there are in fact medicines for ovulation, both prescribed and holistic. 

Again, I made an appointment with an Endocrinologist. Though this time, I chose a Reproductive Endocrinologist. I had learned that RE's had to first be OBGYNs, then study endocrinology--and, voila! We have a reproductive endo. 

I immediately felt at ease with this Dr.. Partially because I had already heard the worst diagnosis, in my mind. How bad could it be, really? This Dr, I loved. And I do mean love. The walls of the exam room were plastered with Christmas cards, birth announcements, and photos of successful pregnancies and healthy offspring. It made me happy.

Dr. Chen came in, introduced herself, and was jolly (yes, a bit overweight--which really made me giddy). She took me to her office where she then began from the beginning. From my first period to now. I mentioned my previous diagnosis. She didn't give it the courtesy of a thought or a mention.  She said from what I'd told her, she suspected PCOS. I was shocked. I hadn't mentioned it once. She took me back to the exam room for a transvaginal ultrasound. And there on the screen was something I'd seen in ultrasounds all over my SoulCysters message boards: Polycystic Ovaries. A dark, egg shaped ovary (both, actually), lined with the typical 'string of pearls.' I said, ".. is that..?" She confirmed and said without a doubt I had PCOS. 

She ordered blood work to firm up the diagnosis. I went and did it the next day and came back to her office for a follow up a week later. Why the previous Dr hadn't caught anything in the blood work was beyond both of us. I didn't have diabetes, thank goodness--but my insulin was through the roof.

So, what next?

What's wrong with me?

 I can't remember a time in my life where I felt like a normal girl or young woman.  My period has never been regular. When it first started, sure.. it's normal not to be regular. But that regularity of a monthly period never came. The most regular I ever managed to be was 6 periods a year. About once every two months. I always knew this wasn't right. I saw a doctor when I was about 15 or 16 with my mother and we were told that it was completely normal not to have a regular period for the first few years after getting your period. Life went on. At 18, still knowing something was 'wrong' with me, I battled with the need for getting a pap. I researched it online and decided I was too scared to find an answer to my problems. Was it cancer? My grandmother died of ovarian cancer. I didn't like any of the plausible options I could come up with in my 18 year old head, so I made the decision never to get one.

Finally, at age 26--I had my first pap smear. What had finally spurred my butt into gear was that I had just recently been married and the subject of our eventual offspring came up. Before we even started actively trying to conceive, I knew what I had to do. My Dr said that they would call me in a few days if something came back abnormal. Those were the longest few days of my life. I received a letter in the mail from my Dr's office saying that my results came back completely normal, and to call for another appointment, same time next year. A sigh of relief. I was fine then, right? At this point, I was so uneducated in the field of  female reproduction, I had no idea this was just the first step to many others I would soon have to take.

Now came the next hurdle. I always had this gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach that I was going to have difficulty getting pregnant. As I got older, that feeling turned to a certainty that I would never be able to become pregnant. I wasn't even entirely sure why. I knew periods should be normal in a healthy woman, but I had no idea you could still ovulate in the absence of your period, that there were drugs to help you menstruate/ovulate.

Still knowing something was amiss, I turned to the internet. Wow! Why hadn't I done this sooner? Oh yes, that's right.. I was scared to death of what I may find.  Now that I was thinking not only about myself but my new husband, our furbaby Pavi and prospective mini-Garcia's--well now that changed everything.  I needed to find out what was wrong and fix it as soon as humanly possible. This led me to (among other things: many other things) PCOS. I started scrolling through symptoms and darn near swore out loud when I came across the myriad of things that were related to PCOS. No, not just infertility and menstrual irregularities.  Seemingly unrelated things. Weight gain, predominately around your midsection. Check. Irritability and severe mood swings. Check. Hirsuitism. Wait.. I always thought that was because my father was Arabic and it was a dark skinned thing? Check, check. And, as I would later learn, a whole slew of other blood work related things that attributed to my difficulty in losing and maintaining my weight my whole life.

I continued on and became quite the avid internet article reader.  At this point, I knew I needed to see a Dr. A specialist. Someone who could really help me sort through this..