slightly good news?

**man readers, stop here**


I can't be sure, but I think the good ol' miscarriage is happening naturally.  And sooner than suspected, too. I am supposed to go in tomorrow and Wednesday to do the HCG level blood work to make sure my levels are dropping and return to pre-pregnancy levels.  This would mean my body recognized that it was a 'faulty' pregnancy and would take care of it on its own.  So much better than getting the methotrexate injections, IMO.  I'd rather not get injections of chemotherapy drugs, not to mention the fact that one is generally not enough--even though they are at low doses, I'd really rather not have 'em!  My doctor said to call her if I get my period, so I'm going to call in the morning so that I'm sure it's a real period and not just spotting or anything; I'm pretty sure it's heavier than spotting already though.  I know she wanted to put me back on BC pills for another 2-3 months because she didn't want to do another cycle so close to a miscarriage.  I totally agree.  Emotionally and physically, it's definitely better to wait.  I think I'm going to shoot a little closer to our next cycle being in about 6 months or so.  If this whole store purchasing thing goes though (and I REALLY hope it does), even though I could make it work it would be so much less stressful if I wasn't pregnant right off the bat.  Plus, I'm at a somewhat healthy weight currently, but I would really like to work on myself a little bit more so that the pregnancy would be a bit easier on me with all my back problems.

It seems bittersweet to say I'm relieved that this miscarriage is happening.  I'm so, so thankful that it didn't drag on for weeks and weeks as I was warned it might.  And it was still early.  Almost 7 weeks to the day.  The way Sebastian and I look at it, our little guy (yes, we know it will be a boy.. even in the future) was just making a dry run to get warmed up for the real show.  Practice makes perfect!  Let's pray that he only needed one practice round. ;)

On a side note: It's freaking pouring.  And I freaking love the rain.  Yes, yes.. I can say that because I live in Southern CA and it doesn't rain everyday or even heavily every year but it is really nice to listen to.  Also a great excuse to cuddle up on the couch and eat soup for dinner.  Which, we of course did.  Oh! I also trained Sebastian a bit at the store so he can know what to do when/if we buy it.  Dang! I mean, I knew he'd have no problem catching on but he really caught on--and then some! He's even remembering client's names and asking them how they are doing.  I was very impressed.  We're going to make a great team when it comes to working together at the store.  We're already a great team in every other aspect of our relationship! Now I see why he's been moved up so many times at his work, and why it's been so fast, too.  Because he's amazing! And very smart. How lucky am I? I love you honey!!

sigh.

Well, no news or miscarriage yet.  I wasn't planning on writing anything at all, but I figured why not.  I've been really angry the past few days.  I'm sure it's hormones, but it seems to be getting worse.  Probably from speaking to the doctor yesterday--it sure didn't make things better.  I've been catty with some people at work that usually piss me off anyway, now I'm just starting to say things rather than blow it off as I always do.  Probably not the best thing since I'm trying to get in the 'circle' there so I can (eventually) buy that damn store.  I still want it--very much, but I am getting really sick of the run around from the current owner.  It's not like I'm really getting paid.  The only reason I've stuck around is because of the promised prospect of being soon to be owner.  I was even given a set date which would be tomorrow!  The owner and his wife asked me to coffee yesterday before my evening shift and we talked about the store.  What I think is going on is he wants to sell it ASAP (as he's said)--but hasn't been including her in what he's been telling me.  She was unaware of his continual promises and dates and talk of funds and he even told me to call the credit card machine company and switch the terminal in my name.  Though it was never said, you could tell she was completely in the dark because she kept shooting him blatantly obvious looks of 'wtf.'

So that's been another source of my being very pissy.  I'm sick of being used and led on.  Now the date is somewhere near February.  I flat out snapped at them and said I need an answer in 2 weeks or less because this is getting ridiculous.  The first time he offered me the store (2 months ago, maybe 3) I got a call from a job that I had applied to a while ago for an interview.  I politely turned it down since I didn't want to waste their time, as I was supposed to pay him for the store the following day.  I hadn't mentioned this to either of them until yesterday at coffee.  I said I've been more than patient, more than understanding, and I've stuck around only to be strung along and taken advantage of.  Their main 'thing' is that the owner (the husband) has been sober a couple few years and they feel working the store helps to keep him sober.  I called them out on that, too.  He hasn't worked a day, well maybe a day in the past 2 months.  They just came back from a 3 week stint at their house up north, and are leaving Saturday to spend some time at their timeshare in CO.  I mean, c'mon.  Clearly, this store isn't doing anything for your sobriety.  And even if it were, then it's time to get sober on your own instead of using a convenience store in the rehab you got sober in as a big ol' crutch.  Am I right??

I was very firm with them, and it took them by surprise.  I'm a very nice person, very accommodating especially for those I work for and with.  Well eff that.  I feel the need to be appreciated and respected (fancy that!).  I said I was still interested in the store, but I don't trust anything anymore with good reason, and I won't until we have signed the papers, money has exchanged hands and I have the keys.  I said all of this very nicely, just plain and honest.  They understood, or at least said so.   I said I'm clearly not working here for the money, and I need to start making some real money for my family.  If you're still undecided in 2 weeks I will be drastically cutting my availability and looking for work elsewhere.  I will still be interested when you're ready to sell the store, I just can't afford to waste my time.

Some of you might say I'm not playing my cards right but I actually have the upper hand.  I work twice a day, seven days a week.  On most days it's 12:00p-1:00p, go home and come back 5:00p-7:00p. Visitation days and it's hours are all over the board.  Example: Wednesdays are 12:00p-1:00p. Then 3:30p-6:00p.  I can't be open (rehab policy) while they are in group classes.  They have group from 6:00p-7:00p.  So, it isn't worth me going home and driving right back (it takes 20-30 minutes one way from home to work) so I have to sit and read or pick my nose for that hour they are in group.  Then, I'm open from 7:00p-7:15p for their 'between meeting break.' They have another meeting from 7:00/7:15-8:00.  I then work from 8:00-9:00p.  For all the breaks, I do not get paid.  But essentially, I work from 12:00p to 9:00p and am paid for a little less than 5 hours or there abouts. Tell me this.  Where are you going to find a moron to work these hours other than myself? You aren't.  I work them, because there was a bigger goal in sight: owning the store December 1st.

The staff and the owner of the rehab love me and constantly ask when I'm taking over the store.  My bosses can't deny that, they know it very well.  They've even had phone calls about it! People calling to say what a wonderful job I'm doing and how much they love having me there.  Which I'm sure just chaps his hide, but hey.. it's true.  I have been doing my darndest to be perceived as just that: The most awesomest store-runner in the world.

Kind of an off-topic post for me I suppose.  But, with the unfortunate baby news.. I don't think we will be TTC for months so get used to my boring, day to day posts.  I have to do something to keep what sanity I have left hanging around, right?

[Oh! And as if this wasn't long enough to begin with.  Another peeve.  Yesterday, I stayed a little later than 8 at work.  Power went out right when I left.  I knew the fridge and the long freezer would be fine, etc. So I left. I had promised to make some candied pecans for a girl at work.  She paid me $15 for them.  I get the pecans for $7 so it was almost worth it.  Went to the store on the way home, picked up dinner since it was late and I didn't want to cook and got home about 9:00. Mixed up the pecans and threw them in the oven.  As I was putting them in the oven, I get  call on my cell phone.  The place that I work at doesn't have my phone number, as in.. the actual rehab.  But I had their number in my phone for emergencies and what not.  So it came up on my phone as the rehab.  What the heck? I answer.  It's the girl I'm making the nuts for.  She said that they had called my boss and he didn't pick up repeatedly (and you know darn well he has their number in his phone--BOTH of his phones--the two they called)--so we thought we'd try you.  The ice cream freezer has been making a TERRIBLE noise every since the power went back on about 20-30 minutes ago.  You can hear it all the way down the hall.  So I'm pissed.  As I mentioned, takes 20 minutes to get to work and it's now after 9p.  I won't be home until 10 at the latest. Not to mention... Sebastian now has to stir the nuts every 15 minutes for an hour until they are done. The girl went on a break, and in the meantime the noise has stopped. No one bothers to call me of course.  I get there, everything is fine.  I turn around, come home.  Nuts are burnt.  Not mad at the hubby, it wasn't his task.. but I now have to get more nuts and eggs as I used the last of them on the burnt batch.  I'm now really mad.  If the girl hadn't paid me, and hadn't been taking 3 days off after the next day--I would have waited until another day for sure.  Go to store again.  Get nuts and eggs. Talk to Ali on the phone.  Go home, make nuts. Cook for an hour. Bed by 1:30a.  Bring nuts to work next day (today) in a quart sized ziplock with the girls name written in bold, black sharpie plainly across the front of the bag.  Hand it to administrator and say who they're for.  Go to work. Go home, go back to work.. and run into the nut-girl.  She asks for them.  I say they are in the office?  Nope, not there.  Calls administrator.  She ate them. I am going to reduce myself to the very cliche acronym of: FML.]

:( ...

Well, had the second test today.  Dr Chen called me at noon and said that my levels were not only low (typically they should be 100 for the first, mine were 56) but that they weren't doubling like they should either (my second was in the 60s).  Sigh.  So, it's either a tubal pregnancy or just a 'bad' one and will end in miscarriage either way.  Hopefully, it will pass naturally but if not then there is a shot she will give me that will kill the 'tissue' (aka embryo) and my period should start.  Another sigh.  I'm not super depressed, just a little upset.  The way I see it, it's much better losing a baby this early (at 5 or 6 weeks) as opposed to any later.  Of course Dr. Chen made the happy statement of me being able to get pregnant is a huge deal.  We weren't sure that it could happen, and it happened on the first round of Clomid so I suppose she's right--it is something to be excited about.  We won't need to do injections when the time comes to try again, we'll stick with the Clomid at the same dose (150mg).

She said that this 'process' can take up to a few days or a few weeks.  I am really, really hoping it's a matter of days.  I just want it to be over and done with.  She said once my period starts she wants to put me on birth control for 2 months again before the next cycle of TTC.  I'm thinking we'll wait for another 6 months or so.. maybe less, but I'm thinking somewhere around there.  It would have been great to be pregnant now (with a healthy pregnancy), but with the new business endeavor it will be a lot easier getting started with all the stress and money if I'm not also stressing (and spending money) on fertility cycles.  Things have a way of working themselves out, though.

I have to go in Monday and Wednesday of next week to get the same blood tests done.  If my levels are dropping on their own, it's an indication that I will miscarry on my own.  If they aren't dropping then I'll get the shot.  Apparently the shot is a low dose of chemotherapy? A little unnerving if you ask me.. Oh well.  I suppose I really don't have any more options at that point if it comes to that, and I trust her so we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

Thank you all for being so supportive! xo

first hcg blood test

Just got back from my first blood test.  I forgot to drink a ton of water, so I tried to make up for it this morning by drinking bottle after bottle.  I guess my last minute water cram worked!  It was over and done with really fast.  I need to go back Monday morning for the second test then the Dr will call me that day or the next with the results.  It's going to be a BUSY week.  The plan is to buy the store on Wednesday (the first) which is great but totally stressing me out.  The rent is only $350, but with all the pregnancy stuff (fertility meds, blood tests, etc) our rent and our mortgage... it's still 350 bucks that I'm going to have to pull outta my rear.  Not to mention the need of supplies and making the store look less like a mans garage and more like a commissary.  I think the design and decor will have to wait until I start to make money on the store.

I'm excited about running the store while I'm pregnant, strangely.  I think it will be fun to decorate and stock the store! Hopefully.. ;)

Well.. time to shower and look like a human. I've been so dead lately I just throw on some yoga pants and a t-shirt and head to work, sooo... ha!

blood tests!

Hey all! So I called Dr Chen today, since I completely forgot to call her on Thanksgiving. Oh well! She was excited... well, Tiffany the girl at the front was excited and I just assume the Dr was, too. The hcg level blood tests need to be done one day apart apparently, so since the lab is closed Sunday I'll be going in Saturday and Monday for my testing and she will call me with the results.  If the results are good, then we'll get our first fetal ultrasound next week!  No heartbeat (audible at least) until 9 weeks, I think.. and next week will be my 5th week, so a few more weeks until the heartbeat can be heard.

Work was brutal today.  And on Thanksgiving, too.  I know you're sick of hearing how ridiculously tired I am.. but crap! I almost fell asleep today. Yesterday was a bit easier since I made Sebastian go along with me.  I like the clients that are there now.  I make a couple of them hang out with me in the store for some company.  I seriously need to invest in a TV, like.. 2 weeks ago.  I know TV rots your brain, but it makes the time pass so much faster.  Maybe some books or books on tape (or iPod).

As you've guessed I'm sure, I'm off to bed.  Updates tomorrow!!

happy thanksgiving!

My best friend Ali (shoutout!) convinced me to spend $18.99 (plus tax, mind you) on two of those digital tests.  I couldn't find single packs.  I'll admit, it is much more 'real' seeming with the digital result.  Now I just need to call Dr Chen and let her know so we can move to the blood work.  Now I'm nervous all over again.  I wish being pregnant was just a done deal.  I guess it's not that way for anyone!  The 'what ifs' are killing me!! Alright.. I know you're sick of seeing these pictures, and to be frank.. I'm sick of taking tests! I'm just anxious to see the blood results, but here it is..

I'll post another one later to say what Dr. Chen says about getting bloodwork.  Happy Thanksgiving you guys!!!

day 14 of 2WW [or 15 days..]

If I were just waiting for 2 weeks, today would be my last day! But, I was told to test tomorrow.. so that will be the one I report to Dr. Chen.  So far, I've taken 3 pregnancy tests and all were positive.  One yesterday morning, one this morning and one about a 30 minutes ago [not a CVS brand test].  Here's the picture for the most recent one! It's still faint, but visible.  At this point, I've personally decided that I think I'm pregnant, I just hope everything works out.  I don't think it's a chemical pregnancy (thank God) because the result has been stronger with each test, I haven't had any negatives.  When we do the blood work, I think I will feel a million times better if the results are normal.  I would love to be pregnant for the holidays! Well, I'd just love to be pregnant.. but it would be great timing. Long day at work, so I'm out!!