next cycle.

It was strange.  I hadn't felt like we lost anything until my Dr appointment.  My Dr came in in do initiate my date with 'Wandy' (thanks, BtB!) but first wanted to say she was sorry for our loss and that it's hard to know why we lose pregnancies and so on.  I hadn't really referred to the miscarriage as a loss.  I'm not entirely sure why, either.  Probably because I knew it was a possibility, maybe even that it was likely it wasn't going to pan out the way we wanted.  Maybe I was just being a little clinical like I'm known for in all aspects.  I'm just to scientific and factual when it comes to things.  I wish I weren't, but I am.

Anyway.  I thought I was going to cry when she started with the sad faces, touching my knee sweetly, and melancholy tone of 'loss.'  Thankfully, the pregnancy hormones had subsided by then.  Otherwise I would have been bawling, or screaming.. or who knows, maybe even angry!  With this PCOS thing for me personally, I don't have an excess of testosterone more so a lack of any estrogen and female hormones.  Which would explain my lifelong calm demeanor and my 'even' attitude--for the most part.  Basically, I'm not at all used to my emotions getting the best of me or even having a bearing on how I act like I feel.  It's been hell with the birth control pills, too.  I'm actually getting a period, so I'm actually getting outwardly emotional.  I guess I feel like a real girl, which is kind of scary.  Sometimes I wonder if Sebastian will get freaked out and run away! ;)

Well, I think that's about it for today.  Oh! Wait.. actually, I forgot to say what the title of this post implies.  What's happening for the next cycle.  Like I've mentioned a million times (or at least 2 or 3), we are planning on waiting closer to the 6 month mark to try again.  My Dr said to give it 2 months on BC pills and to wait for my period the next month, so essentially: 3 months from now.  And this round we are supposed to do a fertility injection meds 'booster' shot before I start my Clomid in hopes to produce more than 1 egg.  The only thing that scares me a little (okay, more like.. scares me to death) is the fact we did get pregnant our first cycle with the Clomid alone, it was just unsuccessful.  You only need one egg, and we only had the one and it was fertilized.  What happens if we have 3 or 5 mature eggs? I know that broadens our chances, but from the looks of this cycle, I'm the PCOSer that just doesn't ovulate, I seem to have no problems at least getting pregnant (tidbit: 1 in 5 normal pregnancies result in miscarriage.  PCOS brings it to 3.  I'm on metformin so that lowers my risk to that of a normal woman, 1 in 5).

I cannot have triplets.


Period.  It can't happen.  I don't want triplets--at all.  Then again, who does?  The twins--I know this is a possibility, and I think I can do the twins.. it will be a struggle, no doubt.  But I think I can manage that.  I really want 1.  But, I suppose that's idealistic.  I'm thinking of telling her when the time comes that I'm not exactly comfortable with the idea of having 5 mature eggs when the 1 was fertilized last cycle.  What if all 5 are? Just kill me. I can't even think of that.

So what do you guys think? Like I've said, I trust my Dr completely.  If she thinks this is the way we'll have a successful pregnancy, then I think so as well.  I just have a gut feeling that we should try once more with just the Clomid and see where it takes us.  The same thing could happen, just get one egg and there could be something wrong with that egg like this last one... but, if it did happen the next cycle (another MC) and she said that the more eggs we have, the more chances they will survive--I would do the injections.  I just feel like the clomid worked, my egg didn't.. not the drugs.  And if my chances of having 2930824 babies is lower with just the Clomid--I think I like that.

Thoughts?