sigh.

Well, no news or miscarriage yet.  I wasn't planning on writing anything at all, but I figured why not.  I've been really angry the past few days.  I'm sure it's hormones, but it seems to be getting worse.  Probably from speaking to the doctor yesterday--it sure didn't make things better.  I've been catty with some people at work that usually piss me off anyway, now I'm just starting to say things rather than blow it off as I always do.  Probably not the best thing since I'm trying to get in the 'circle' there so I can (eventually) buy that damn store.  I still want it--very much, but I am getting really sick of the run around from the current owner.  It's not like I'm really getting paid.  The only reason I've stuck around is because of the promised prospect of being soon to be owner.  I was even given a set date which would be tomorrow!  The owner and his wife asked me to coffee yesterday before my evening shift and we talked about the store.  What I think is going on is he wants to sell it ASAP (as he's said)--but hasn't been including her in what he's been telling me.  She was unaware of his continual promises and dates and talk of funds and he even told me to call the credit card machine company and switch the terminal in my name.  Though it was never said, you could tell she was completely in the dark because she kept shooting him blatantly obvious looks of 'wtf.'

So that's been another source of my being very pissy.  I'm sick of being used and led on.  Now the date is somewhere near February.  I flat out snapped at them and said I need an answer in 2 weeks or less because this is getting ridiculous.  The first time he offered me the store (2 months ago, maybe 3) I got a call from a job that I had applied to a while ago for an interview.  I politely turned it down since I didn't want to waste their time, as I was supposed to pay him for the store the following day.  I hadn't mentioned this to either of them until yesterday at coffee.  I said I've been more than patient, more than understanding, and I've stuck around only to be strung along and taken advantage of.  Their main 'thing' is that the owner (the husband) has been sober a couple few years and they feel working the store helps to keep him sober.  I called them out on that, too.  He hasn't worked a day, well maybe a day in the past 2 months.  They just came back from a 3 week stint at their house up north, and are leaving Saturday to spend some time at their timeshare in CO.  I mean, c'mon.  Clearly, this store isn't doing anything for your sobriety.  And even if it were, then it's time to get sober on your own instead of using a convenience store in the rehab you got sober in as a big ol' crutch.  Am I right??

I was very firm with them, and it took them by surprise.  I'm a very nice person, very accommodating especially for those I work for and with.  Well eff that.  I feel the need to be appreciated and respected (fancy that!).  I said I was still interested in the store, but I don't trust anything anymore with good reason, and I won't until we have signed the papers, money has exchanged hands and I have the keys.  I said all of this very nicely, just plain and honest.  They understood, or at least said so.   I said I'm clearly not working here for the money, and I need to start making some real money for my family.  If you're still undecided in 2 weeks I will be drastically cutting my availability and looking for work elsewhere.  I will still be interested when you're ready to sell the store, I just can't afford to waste my time.

Some of you might say I'm not playing my cards right but I actually have the upper hand.  I work twice a day, seven days a week.  On most days it's 12:00p-1:00p, go home and come back 5:00p-7:00p. Visitation days and it's hours are all over the board.  Example: Wednesdays are 12:00p-1:00p. Then 3:30p-6:00p.  I can't be open (rehab policy) while they are in group classes.  They have group from 6:00p-7:00p.  So, it isn't worth me going home and driving right back (it takes 20-30 minutes one way from home to work) so I have to sit and read or pick my nose for that hour they are in group.  Then, I'm open from 7:00p-7:15p for their 'between meeting break.' They have another meeting from 7:00/7:15-8:00.  I then work from 8:00-9:00p.  For all the breaks, I do not get paid.  But essentially, I work from 12:00p to 9:00p and am paid for a little less than 5 hours or there abouts. Tell me this.  Where are you going to find a moron to work these hours other than myself? You aren't.  I work them, because there was a bigger goal in sight: owning the store December 1st.

The staff and the owner of the rehab love me and constantly ask when I'm taking over the store.  My bosses can't deny that, they know it very well.  They've even had phone calls about it! People calling to say what a wonderful job I'm doing and how much they love having me there.  Which I'm sure just chaps his hide, but hey.. it's true.  I have been doing my darndest to be perceived as just that: The most awesomest store-runner in the world.

Kind of an off-topic post for me I suppose.  But, with the unfortunate baby news.. I don't think we will be TTC for months so get used to my boring, day to day posts.  I have to do something to keep what sanity I have left hanging around, right?

[Oh! And as if this wasn't long enough to begin with.  Another peeve.  Yesterday, I stayed a little later than 8 at work.  Power went out right when I left.  I knew the fridge and the long freezer would be fine, etc. So I left. I had promised to make some candied pecans for a girl at work.  She paid me $15 for them.  I get the pecans for $7 so it was almost worth it.  Went to the store on the way home, picked up dinner since it was late and I didn't want to cook and got home about 9:00. Mixed up the pecans and threw them in the oven.  As I was putting them in the oven, I get  call on my cell phone.  The place that I work at doesn't have my phone number, as in.. the actual rehab.  But I had their number in my phone for emergencies and what not.  So it came up on my phone as the rehab.  What the heck? I answer.  It's the girl I'm making the nuts for.  She said that they had called my boss and he didn't pick up repeatedly (and you know darn well he has their number in his phone--BOTH of his phones--the two they called)--so we thought we'd try you.  The ice cream freezer has been making a TERRIBLE noise every since the power went back on about 20-30 minutes ago.  You can hear it all the way down the hall.  So I'm pissed.  As I mentioned, takes 20 minutes to get to work and it's now after 9p.  I won't be home until 10 at the latest. Not to mention... Sebastian now has to stir the nuts every 15 minutes for an hour until they are done. The girl went on a break, and in the meantime the noise has stopped. No one bothers to call me of course.  I get there, everything is fine.  I turn around, come home.  Nuts are burnt.  Not mad at the hubby, it wasn't his task.. but I now have to get more nuts and eggs as I used the last of them on the burnt batch.  I'm now really mad.  If the girl hadn't paid me, and hadn't been taking 3 days off after the next day--I would have waited until another day for sure.  Go to store again.  Get nuts and eggs. Talk to Ali on the phone.  Go home, make nuts. Cook for an hour. Bed by 1:30a.  Bring nuts to work next day (today) in a quart sized ziplock with the girls name written in bold, black sharpie plainly across the front of the bag.  Hand it to administrator and say who they're for.  Go to work. Go home, go back to work.. and run into the nut-girl.  She asks for them.  I say they are in the office?  Nope, not there.  Calls administrator.  She ate them. I am going to reduce myself to the very cliche acronym of: FML.]

:( ...

Well, had the second test today.  Dr Chen called me at noon and said that my levels were not only low (typically they should be 100 for the first, mine were 56) but that they weren't doubling like they should either (my second was in the 60s).  Sigh.  So, it's either a tubal pregnancy or just a 'bad' one and will end in miscarriage either way.  Hopefully, it will pass naturally but if not then there is a shot she will give me that will kill the 'tissue' (aka embryo) and my period should start.  Another sigh.  I'm not super depressed, just a little upset.  The way I see it, it's much better losing a baby this early (at 5 or 6 weeks) as opposed to any later.  Of course Dr. Chen made the happy statement of me being able to get pregnant is a huge deal.  We weren't sure that it could happen, and it happened on the first round of Clomid so I suppose she's right--it is something to be excited about.  We won't need to do injections when the time comes to try again, we'll stick with the Clomid at the same dose (150mg).

She said that this 'process' can take up to a few days or a few weeks.  I am really, really hoping it's a matter of days.  I just want it to be over and done with.  She said once my period starts she wants to put me on birth control for 2 months again before the next cycle of TTC.  I'm thinking we'll wait for another 6 months or so.. maybe less, but I'm thinking somewhere around there.  It would have been great to be pregnant now (with a healthy pregnancy), but with the new business endeavor it will be a lot easier getting started with all the stress and money if I'm not also stressing (and spending money) on fertility cycles.  Things have a way of working themselves out, though.

I have to go in Monday and Wednesday of next week to get the same blood tests done.  If my levels are dropping on their own, it's an indication that I will miscarry on my own.  If they aren't dropping then I'll get the shot.  Apparently the shot is a low dose of chemotherapy? A little unnerving if you ask me.. Oh well.  I suppose I really don't have any more options at that point if it comes to that, and I trust her so we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

Thank you all for being so supportive! xo

first hcg blood test

Just got back from my first blood test.  I forgot to drink a ton of water, so I tried to make up for it this morning by drinking bottle after bottle.  I guess my last minute water cram worked!  It was over and done with really fast.  I need to go back Monday morning for the second test then the Dr will call me that day or the next with the results.  It's going to be a BUSY week.  The plan is to buy the store on Wednesday (the first) which is great but totally stressing me out.  The rent is only $350, but with all the pregnancy stuff (fertility meds, blood tests, etc) our rent and our mortgage... it's still 350 bucks that I'm going to have to pull outta my rear.  Not to mention the need of supplies and making the store look less like a mans garage and more like a commissary.  I think the design and decor will have to wait until I start to make money on the store.

I'm excited about running the store while I'm pregnant, strangely.  I think it will be fun to decorate and stock the store! Hopefully.. ;)

Well.. time to shower and look like a human. I've been so dead lately I just throw on some yoga pants and a t-shirt and head to work, sooo... ha!

blood tests!

Hey all! So I called Dr Chen today, since I completely forgot to call her on Thanksgiving. Oh well! She was excited... well, Tiffany the girl at the front was excited and I just assume the Dr was, too. The hcg level blood tests need to be done one day apart apparently, so since the lab is closed Sunday I'll be going in Saturday and Monday for my testing and she will call me with the results.  If the results are good, then we'll get our first fetal ultrasound next week!  No heartbeat (audible at least) until 9 weeks, I think.. and next week will be my 5th week, so a few more weeks until the heartbeat can be heard.

Work was brutal today.  And on Thanksgiving, too.  I know you're sick of hearing how ridiculously tired I am.. but crap! I almost fell asleep today. Yesterday was a bit easier since I made Sebastian go along with me.  I like the clients that are there now.  I make a couple of them hang out with me in the store for some company.  I seriously need to invest in a TV, like.. 2 weeks ago.  I know TV rots your brain, but it makes the time pass so much faster.  Maybe some books or books on tape (or iPod).

As you've guessed I'm sure, I'm off to bed.  Updates tomorrow!!

happy thanksgiving!

My best friend Ali (shoutout!) convinced me to spend $18.99 (plus tax, mind you) on two of those digital tests.  I couldn't find single packs.  I'll admit, it is much more 'real' seeming with the digital result.  Now I just need to call Dr Chen and let her know so we can move to the blood work.  Now I'm nervous all over again.  I wish being pregnant was just a done deal.  I guess it's not that way for anyone!  The 'what ifs' are killing me!! Alright.. I know you're sick of seeing these pictures, and to be frank.. I'm sick of taking tests! I'm just anxious to see the blood results, but here it is..

I'll post another one later to say what Dr. Chen says about getting bloodwork.  Happy Thanksgiving you guys!!!

day 14 of 2WW [or 15 days..]

If I were just waiting for 2 weeks, today would be my last day! But, I was told to test tomorrow.. so that will be the one I report to Dr. Chen.  So far, I've taken 3 pregnancy tests and all were positive.  One yesterday morning, one this morning and one about a 30 minutes ago [not a CVS brand test].  Here's the picture for the most recent one! It's still faint, but visible.  At this point, I've personally decided that I think I'm pregnant, I just hope everything works out.  I don't think it's a chemical pregnancy (thank God) because the result has been stronger with each test, I haven't had any negatives.  When we do the blood work, I think I will feel a million times better if the results are normal.  I would love to be pregnant for the holidays! Well, I'd just love to be pregnant.. but it would be great timing. Long day at work, so I'm out!!

day 13 of 2WW

A little earlier than I usually post but I did say I'd post the results of my pregnancy test this morning, sooo...
it was positive! Granted, like we all know.. that shot is just about the only thing that can cause a false positive, so don't be too excited.  It's very, very faint in person and even more so in photos but I will post one anyway.  As you may or may not know a faint line is just as good as a strong line.  In early pregnancy (which if this is a true positive, it is very early in the pregnancy) lines are usually weaker then get stronger daily on account of the hCg hormone starting to increase.  So yes, as you've guessed I'm sure.. I will be testing again tomorrow morning.  If it is a stronger line, I am going to go ahead and jump the gun and say I am officially pregnant.  Since it's weak now it could mean (a) it's still too early to be bold or (b) the hCg is almost out of my system in which case tomorrow's test would be even less of a line or nonexistent.  I have enough tests to test through the day after Turkey Day, so I'm totally set. Okay, see if you can spot the '+' in the window of the test.  It's heavier on the right side of the light vertical line (if you can even see it in the photo), kind of looks like a lined rectangle with the center blank and heavier lining on the edges. I know where to look for it, so I can totally see it in the photo but if you don't know where to look I doubt you can even see it.  But it is there.  I am a very skeptical person, so it's not just my wishful thinking.. it exists!! 

day 12 of 2WW

A few more days! Yikes! I'm excited to see what the pee stick has to say.  Well, I broke down and bought a pack of CVS brand early pregnancy tests.  Even though I knew what her answer would be, I asked the pharmacist if the CVS brand was the same as the other more expensive ones.  Of course, she said yes.  It was nearly $10 less for the same amount of tests so the way I see it, I did good!  It's about that time for the period, the only symptoms I have are sore breasts.  My boobs don't always get sore before my period but they do sometimes so I don't know what to credit the tenderness to: pregnancy or period!

On account of my never-on-time period, missing the first day of my expected cycle is no big thing.  I'd love to think it was, but it certainly isn't uncommon.  I've been toying with the idea of testing early.  I never thought I'd be the girl to do that considering how this two week wait has been a breeze in all honesty--but, I'm leaning towards testing tomorrow!  I won a home pregnancy test through a message board (CafeMom) about a month ago, and I'm saving that one for Turkey Day because I think it's lucky.

 [In case you are unaware of what 4 HPTs look like, see photo below.]

In total I have 4 home pregnancy tests so I figure I spare one.  The funny part is, I won't be satisfied if it's positive or negative.  As I mentioned in a previous blog post, the hCg shot raises the pregnancy hormone in your body for up to two weeks.  One of the few instances where you can actually get a false positive (typically, false positives aren't nearly as common as false negatives since the test works off of pregnancy hormone levels that you don't have unless you're pregnant.  Unless of course you get a SHOT of those hormones...), so a positive result within that two week period (tomorrow would fall under that 2 weeks) isn't always a real positive.  Siiigh.  And a negative result tomorrow would just make me think of the real possibility that I tested to early and I'd need to try again in a couple days.  So really, what is the point of testing tomorrow?!  Nothing more than it would be exciting to see a positive result, even if it couldn't (yet!) be 100% verified.  I'll post the results either way in the mornin'!

Aside from my exciting trip to CVS, a glorious day at work and some hickory smoked BBQ wings from Wingstop for din din--that's all to report on for today!  Oh, and I also bought my Christmas cards.  I think they are absolutely awesome.  Most of you on here will more than likely be receiving one so I'm not going to go into detail, but I love them.  Not sure why, but I do! And for the sake of not breaking my 5 year streak of holiday tradition, they will go in the mail on Black Friday.  First thing.  I think I have this obsession with (possibly) being the first card on the mantle.  I win.

day 11 of 2WW

Today was my uncle's memorial.  It was absolutely beautiful.  Tears were shed by all at some point during the service, myself included through most of it actually.  All in all a success as far as these things go, I suppose.  :)

We just got home not too long ago.  I'd say Pavi and Avis (our furbabies) missed us, but I'm not sure that would be entirely true.  Pavi was in good company with our friend Jenna, and Avis woke up when we got home and wanted to be fed.  It's been freezing all day.  I think LA had a high of 50-something.  But it's windy and feels like 40 at the most.  We were in Riverside much of the day, but I think the temperature is about the same in both places.  The snow level dropped to about 3000 feet, so the drive out was awesome. Every mountain range from our house to Riverside was snow capped or at least thoroughly dusted.


As you might've guessed--we are exhausted, as usual.  At least the past week I haven't seemed to be able to get nearly enough sleep to get through the day for whatever reason.  At least Sebastian agrees with me this time.  Plus, I did all the driving though it was only a little over an hour each way.  Driving is somewhat draining to me though! Especially the road back.  


Well! Hard to believe tomorrow will be day 12!! Basically, just a few more days.  I'm excited! That's all for now; night night!!

day 10 of 2WW

Five more days!? Okay.. now I'm getting anxious.  Slightly. I'm getting typical period symptoms... and unfortunately they are the same as the pregnancy ones.  UGH. Oh well.  Today was a ridiculous day.  I had so much shopping to do for the store it wasn't even funny.  But! On a really good note--I've been trying to purchase the store at the rehab I work it (it's like a commissary) and the current owner agreed a few weeks ago and we settled on a price but we still hadn't set a date... until today!  That date is December 1st! I'm very excited!  Also, kinda nervous.  It's going to be a lot of work, a lot of hours.. but great money, so it's all worth it.  A neat, randomly unique family business.  Our family business!!

I'll keep you posted on the store happenings.

Okay, a short one tonight as I have a few more things to do before I knock out tonight.  Night!!

day 9 of 2WW

Has anyone ever tried Southern Comfort Vanilla Egg Nog?? Dang. It's tasty. And no, it doesn't come with alcohol.. though you can of course add it.  Today was rather uneventful, as the past few days have pretty much been!

It's really ridiculous.  I've been researching how long all the things I can make for Thanksgiving will keep in the fridge or freezer.  I made the cranberry sauce because it keeps 10 days or so.  I really want to make the pie, but that only keeps a few days I think so it'll have to wait a few more days.  Everything else of course I will make the day of.  Maybe assemble it the night before and cook the next day.  I think I'll have to go into work for a little while too, though not sure on the time.  I've been so tired (as I'm sure you're well aware of, and sick of hearing about) that I was thinking of getting a manicure and a pedicure tomorrow morning.  If you know me, you know that this never happens.  Either or, let alone both.  So I'm excited!  I dropped off our clothes to the dry cleaners this morning and pleaded with the lady to have it done by tomorrow and she made a few calls and the guy who picks it up was going to be in town having lunch, so he'd come by and get it!  I never go to the cleaners, either.. but it's for the service and god knows I've never had that jacket cleaned.  Eww.. yeah, I know, I know.

Other than that, I think after my glass of eggnog I'm headed to bed.  Good times! I have a few errands to run in the morning before I head on over to work at 12, so.. night all!! Have a great weekend!

day 8 of TWW

I... am... exhaaaausted.  I kind of feel like publishing just that statement.  We've been crating our dog, Pavi for a while now.  Maybe a few months or so.  Lately, the past two weeks he's been waking up in the middle of the night and whining.  He doesn't whine loudly at all, it's very subtle but it still wakes me up once or twice a night.  I let him out to go pee, and of course he goes and then goes right back to bed.  He has no problem sleeping through the night.  He's been doing it 5 years!  Problem is, he hates sleeping alone.  He's also been sleeping in bed with us for the better part of 4 years.  He doesn't wake up once when he's in bed with us, just in the crate, and when he wakes up (even in the early am, when he's in our bed) he has to pee, just like we do.  Sigh. That combined with the fact that I have had a ridiculous sleep pattern equals one fussy lady.  Here's hoping things will be better tonight.

On a side note: I'm still loving my new iPod!  It's super fantastic.  And it loves me back, I know it does.  I bought it case, cleaned it's screen and bought it little sticky protective screen film, too.  I think it's happy.  Now if I could just get my laptop (mac) and my desktop (pc) to sync their iTunes things would be much, much better.

Things have been so hectic recently, I haven't even had much time to think about the fact that I'm halfway through the two week wait.  Just a week to go!  I am excited though, and it's gone by super quick which helps I think.  My uncle passed away suddenly last week and his service is this Sunday so we've been slightly caught up with that and getting work covered (training the new douche), finding something suitable to wear (aka, buying new clothing because we all know none of us have anything suitable for well.. anything), getting a sitter for our fur-children.  Not to mention the obvious fact that we are all pretty upset about uncle Ross' untimely death.  He was such an amazing man, in so many ways.

I think I will wake up super early and test on Thanksgiving.  If it's positive, I'll break the news on Turkey Day.  If not.. I think I'll tell everyone I'm waiting until the day after Thanksgiving, then I'll go out and buy more tests and give it another whirl.  Either way I'll probably test the next day again.. just to make doubly sure one way or another!

Oh! Mom and I swung into REI to check out the BOB strollers while we were running around clothes shopping.  Needless to say, it was so completely amazing to see it in person.  It just affirmed all of my previous ideas about it: It's freaking AWESOME. Mom could even push, turn and collapse it by herself, which if you know my mother you know how amazing that truly is.  So we're BOB believers! When the time strikes, we're pickin' up our BOB.

'kay, kiddies.  I'm headed to dreamland.  Catch you on the flipside.

day 7 of 2WW

Only about a week to go, kids!  Today was absolutely exhausting.  I have had very little sleep the past few days and it's really taking a toll on me.  Tonight I got home at about 10.  Oy vey.  I'd say I'm going to go to sleep early tonight, but when you get home at 10, your bedtime is already doing everything in its power to be as late as possible.  I'm runnin' on empty.  I have a million little things to do tomorrow, too.  It's making me tired just thinking about it.  Does that ever happen to you guys? Even if you don't have a crazy day you have a hundred small errands to run and it just drains you?  If I have to drive to more than a few places in a certain amount of time, I get cranky.  Maybe its the whole rushing around thing. Grr. 

Apparently slight insomnia and fatigue (probably from the lack of sleep!?) are pregnancy symptoms.  But dang, it seems like scrolling through the lists of possible symptoms--pregnancy symptoms are pretty much a mix of period symptoms and women-in-general symptoms, so who knows. Well, we all will.. in about a week.

So how was your day?

Oh! And I bought an iPod Nano today! Yes, one of those super nifty new ones. It's green and I'm in love with it.  Now if I can just get it to sync like it's supposed to, all would be right with the world. 

day 6 of 2WW

Another slightly uneventful day.  I mentioned that I'm training this d-bag  at work, right? He means well but man, is he unmotivated.  I really can't stand people like him.  He wants me to work my schedule around his, which isn't going to happen.  He's very ditzy and very unreliable.  The ditz bit I can deal with.  The unreliability is a no-go for me.  He's supposed to be training and I have wacky hours lately, but they are the same everyday (minus visitation days), so easy to grasp when I'm there.  Also, I've texted him the hours at least 4 times in the past 3 days on top of telling him verbally at least twice.  I work 12-1p everyday.  Then 5-7.  Just until we get more patients.  Yesterday (he was supposed to meet me on several occasions, btw) he texted me at 1:15.  He was supposed to be there around 12:00. Again, I work 12-1p.  He said 'Hey Fallon. I'm just waiting on UPS for a very important package.  I will be there by 2 at the latest. Thanks'  And I was just like... you have GOT to be kidding me. Again, I told him the hours followed by a 'Well, I will not be here at 2.  I closed at 1:15 and have been waiting the past 15 minutes to see if you'd show up and we could at least go over a few things like balancing the books (since there were no patients present, couldn't practice interaction or things of the like).  He says 'Oh. Well okay. How about tomorrow night we can practice balancing and I can come in from 12-1 to watch you work.' I said 'Sure, you can come in anytime as long as it's when I'm WORKING.' He said okay.

I get a text at about, oh I don't know... 3:00p.  He says 'Hey, I'm leaving my house soon and I'll be there by 4:00.' My jaw must've hit the ground, I'm sure of it. All I can think of is the myriad of swear words that I uttered (oh yes--aloud, by myself) at home while reading that.  Wow.  I said 'Sure. Go ahead. I will see you when I get there at five.'  I'll wrap it up now.  He ended up showing up at 6:00p.  He texted me before 6, and said he'd be there at 5:00. I mentioned it had been a slow day so I might close at 6:30. Things ended up picking up, so I wanted to stay till 7.  He had to go at 6:30 because he had a meeting in South Pasadena at 7. He was there 30 minutes. 10 minutes after he got there, he said he'd be back because he was taking a smoke break. Again, jaw to floor.  I said nothing. This moron is sort of like my assistant.  I work 7 days a week, a couple times a day and I need a couple days off here and there, especially with fertility and potential baby visits.  My boss knew that so he hired a 'filler' to be on call.  I have a funeral/service to attend for my uncle Ross this Sunday.  Sunday is a visitation day.  It will also be this dudes first day working alone.  He doesn't seem smart, but any idiot can do this work.. mostly. Or at least struggle through it.  Gee, he's had 2 weeks (my boss thought he'd been coming regularly) to train.  Imagine---if he'd show up half of those 14 days, he just might be able to swing it Sunday. But I digress..

[Again, boys... stop reading.. TMI!]

Baby things! So, I read online about cervix position and where it typically is and what it feels like when you're pregnant.  It's not a for sure thing at all to determine early pregnancy, but I checked mine out anyway. Before I read in depth online, I checked mine. I jumped a little because it was very soft.  The first thing that came to mind was an over ripened fruit--which later, I would read that exact comparison online.  Apparently, your cervix lifts up farther inside of you when you're ovulating, and the opening is well, open and very soft.  If you become pregnant that cycle, it will retain that position but the cervix will close.  It will remain soft and high.  If you do not become pregnant, it will still close but tends to drop back down and become hard---like an unripe fruit.  Like I said, kinda meaningless. Apparently, a woman's cervix can hold many different positions even throughout the course of a day---so who knows! But it was neat to have at least one 'symptom.'

[Boys, you may begin reading again..]

So I made the mistake of making my (in)famous sugared pecans last night. Baaad idea.  There is no way those things are going to last a week.  I need to come up with a hiding space.  Out of human and snout reach.  It inspired me to make some for my best friend Ali and her hubby.  They eat low carb, so I'm going to substitute the sugar for granulated splenda.  Of course, they only sold it in a big ol' bag so I got the generic as it was only $6.99 as opposed to $8.99.  I'm sure we'll use it though.  We darn well should with this PCOS thing. Anywho, I wanted nothing more than to buy pounds upon pounds of pecans to make an infinite number of candied creations but dang! I swear the price of holiday nuts goes up at the beginning of November.  Or maybe that's the only time I purchase them.  The cheapest I could find was $6.50 a pound.  Not terrible considering they are to die for.

Yikes! Sons of Anarchy is starting.  I'd say I'd come back and finish in an hour but this is a ridiculously long blog at any rate.  Toodles!

day 5 of 2WW

Well, alright. I suppose it's technically day six as of now seeing as how it's 1:22a.  For whatever reason, I'm not quite tired enough to sleep yet. Soon though, very soon.  I was making my second batch of cranberry sauce (one regular, one jellied for mom) when I realized I hadn't blogged for today! Gasp.

Let's see! What went on today? Sebastian gets two reviews a year, one with a pay increase/performance review and another regular (no pay) performance review.  They are moving him up and up as far and as fast as humanly possible.  He is fantastic at his job.  He's fantastic at everything he puts his mind to, actually.  I do believe they are moving him up not only because of how great he's doing at work, but also as a business move.  He'd never worked customer service in any respect before 2 years ago when he started this job.  He's very overqualified for the position he started in.  The economy has become quite a bit better as of late, and I think they've noticed.  I think they want to lock him in at a comparable rate to the $30+ he was making an hour with kornrandolph.  I think they know that if he were offered a job at even $20 or $25 an hour plus benefit package--he'd go for it hands down.  So they have to do what they can to keep him there! Which, we're totally fine with.  He enjoys his job, which is more than he could say about KR. Then again, it was the atmosphere at KR that was horrible, not the work.  Ah well. Enough about that!

My day was pretty uneventful.  Ate dinner again at work.  BBQ chicken again.  This time I just got a thigh and made a side salad and called it good.  It was good!

So, remember how I was saying that implantation can be as early as 6 days and as late as 12? Well.. today (even though this post is for last nights blog) is the 6th day.  The norm is 9 days, so I think I have a couple few left to go.  I'm getting excited. And, I think I will test on Thanksgiving.  I mean, I would be slightly disappointed if it were negative, but I can take it in stride.  It isn't the end of the world.  Besides, I'm thinkin' POSITIVE!! And, after all it is just our first cycle of TTC with fertility aid so we're obligated to have a smidge of patience. Right? Right!

Night, kiddos.  I've just got to finish up the sugared pecans and hide them away from the hungry mouths that roam my house at all hours of the day and night.  Human, canine and marsupials alike.

day 4 of 2WW

Yesterday, the man and I were thinking of squeezing a matinee movie in before I had to go to work.  Of course, the show times were not accommodating.  So I looked online for Sunday movie times and noticed they are doing $6.00 movies from 6:00a-11:00a.  Holy wow!! We're talking half price movies. Yes, tickets for 3D shows go up to $16 a piece during primetime (plus $1 service fee if you buy online, which you should do to guarantee a spot if it's a new one)! So instead of going to the movies yesterday, we ran to the mall instead and purchased tickets for the Sunday (11:00a) showing of Morning Glory.  As far as predictable movies go, it was really cute. At least totally worth the $12 we paid to get in.  After we purchased our tickets on Saturday, we traipsed around the baby/maternity section of the mall. Yes, they have a 'wing' in the mall dedicated to all that jazz.  Of course, my favorite store is still Janie and Jack and I believe it always will be. Will I ever be able to afford anything there? Not likely. But man... their clothes are way to cute.

We had visitation from about 3:30-6:30 at work today.  Got a couple new clients in, too.  Time went by super quick at work on account of all the visitors keeping me pretty busy.  I ate my first meal from the kitchen (5 months later)--I had been scared up until tonight. I... was... starving.  I have heard nothing but horror stories or really great reviews, so I was a little nervous to try it. Carbo overload. I ended up just eating the chicken, cauliflower and some carrots and ranch dip.  My meal was served with (I kid you not) about a pound of potato salad, of which I had a bite of.  I have to say, according to a staff member the 'crappy cook' was in tonight and I found the food decent enough! Hell, it's free.  It would have to be pretty terrible for free food to be a no-go for me.  When I got home, I fixed my home version of a fast food meal (for Sebastian, not me), harnessed up the pup and took him and the hubby on a brisk 30 minute stroll.  It was refreshing.  We haven't done that since we moved and it was long overdue.  I forgot how much a walk helps me to unwind. 


I've been reading that What to Expect When You're Expecting shenanigans and I'm on month 2 of pregnancy.  I feel like when we finally get pregnant I will be an expert on nipple changes and lube ducts (also on your nipples). Seriously. This lady talks about large areolas and nipple changes at least 2 out of every 5 pages. No joke. In all honesty, I feel at least more informed than I was to begin with when we started on our journey of TTC.  Some things in the book as I've mentioned previously are a little overboard for me, but there really is quite a bit in it (so far) that I didn't know.  


I'm not sure if I've ever said anything about this, but I was googling two week wait and very early pregnancy symptoms and of course, I feel as though I have every single one of the symptoms.  Apparently, implantation can happen as early as 6 days after ovulation and as long as 12 days past ovulation.  The norm is about 9 days.  Realistically, I can't possibly be having any of these symptoms.  I used to think it was really nice having the ability (if we conceive this cycle) to know exactly when we conceived, but now I'm not so sure! It would be so much nicer just missing my perfectly timed, never late period (ha!) by a few days, testing and getting a big fat positive result.  ;)

I hope what I'm getting in regards to 'symptoms' is anything but my period coming.  Crappily (yes, it's now a word), I've noticed period symptoms and early pregnancy symptoms are extremely similar if not just downright identical. My back has been sore, but I have back problems and have had 3 surgeries so I suppose it happens occasionally.  I'm very, very tired.  Nix that. More like exhausted. But, I've also been working 7 days a week, 2 times a day and doing a lot of driving on top of my tons of driving.  I get up early and get home after a normal dinner time.  So that could very well have something to do with that.  The only thing I can't explain away is the nausea.  Now, I know it's possibly way to early for that symptom but... nausea is something I never, ever have.  I'm nauseous whenever I eat or am preparing food to eat,  It revolves mostly around food, actually.  When I woke up this morning I was sick to my stomach and food had nothing to do with it.  Right now my stomach is doing somersaults... slowly. 


That much I know is not in my head! Sure, there could be another reason and there probably is.. but a girl can dream, right? Probably the first and last time in my life I'm wishing for more nausea.


Night kids, got to get to bed. 

day 3 of TWW

PCOS friendly holiday dinners? No thanks!

We went shopping today for some Thanksgiving foodie items.  I have decided I do not want to make an entire turkey this year.  It's somewhat pointless for a couple reasons around here. (1) we never eat anywhere near half since we aren't big turkey-eaters, (2) it's more than likely just going to be the three of us.  Sebastian, my mother and myself.  We have no business eating an entire turkey! Besides, I'm way too into the sides when it comes to holiday meals.  In fact, a couple few years ago we had a Thanksgiving dinner consisting of only sides, no meats! It was actually pretty awesome.  A piece of turkey is nice, but that's about it.  So we purchased a turkey breast today--it's the perfect size! Just under 3 pounds.

We grabbed the things that usually go quick like sweet potatoes, evaporated milk, foil and stuffing. Random yes, but.. I think I'll finish up the holiday shopping sometime this week.  I hate scrambling for things or forgetting things when it comes to that. I was also toying with the idea of making homemade cranberry sauce.  It can't be too terribly difficult. What, cranberries, water and sugar? Maybe an orange peel or slice boiled with it? But is it really worth it? How many of you have had homemade cranberry sauce and how was it?  I usually make applesauce--now that is definitely worth making--but I'm thinking of doing the cran sauce for Turkey Day and saving the applesauce for the ham at Christmastime.

I don't know what it is this year.  It seems like every other year I get very into the idea of holiday cooking. I love to cook and bake... very much! This year, Sebastian and I both are already feeling very festive.  I can't wait for the holidays this year.  How 'bout you?

day 2 of my 15 day wait

My TWW (two week wait) is actually 15 days, not including the day of the IUI.  I've read online that the trigger shot injection can actually cause false positives in pregnancy testing.  It's my understanding that the same hormone that is in the injection is the same hormone that rises to give a positive test result.

I think I'll blog every day for the next two weeks.  I know it's only day 2, but I'm not feeling anxious at all. Quite the opposite, really. I think I'm more afraid of testing than I am excited and anxious for it. I googled the two week wait earlier today, just to see what other people do, and it's all about distracting yourself from thinking about testing, things to keep you busy etc.  Maybe it's because I'm not close to the two week mark yet but I feel great so far and haven't thought about testing at all.

I'd also like to add that if you catch me getting all baby crazy and only talking about babies, getting pregnant or things of the like--keep me in check.  Same goes for when we actually have children. I DO NOT want to be that mom that only lives, breathes (and eats? I guess that one doesn't work...) my children. I mean, I say that now.. and of course I have no idea what it feels like to be a mother, and again your children should be a huge part of your life but I don't think they should define you or your relationships with people.  I do have an idea what it feels like to be on the other end talking with friends that have had their first child and that's all they talk about.  You find that someone you used to have so much in common with before children, all of the sudden you seem to have zero in common with them.  I can't stand it when people don't take into consideration the fact that you don't have children when you talk to them.  My best friend and her husband are in the military and since everyone seems to have two children by 23, she finds that she has less and less in common with her fellow military wives.  And the ones she used to associate with before pregnancy, seem to all of the sudden not remember what they liked to do or talk about before children.

So keep me in line!

IUI, Wednesday 11-10-2010

Not much to report on other than having the IUI! Very exciting. There really isn't too much to talk about, which I suppose in these instances is a great thing.  Everything went just like she said it would, she made comments throughout how great everything looked (haha) and how it was the perfect procedure.

Basically, now we are just playing the painfully long, 2 week wait game. That puts us at Thanksgiving to test.  I'm wondering if I should even test on Thanksgiving. I don't want to ruin the day if it's negative, so I might just wait until the next day.  Though at the same time, you know I'd be preoccupied the entire day thinking about the test, so I don't know! What do you think?

My period is unpredictable at best, so that makes things less awesome.  A normal woman would just wait for her period, if it doesn't come then the chances are better (obviously).  Mine may or may not come regardless of being pregnant or not. Either way, it's just two weeks! :)

If my period starts before the two weeks, we'll have the same drill as last time. I'll call on the 2nd day of my period, go in for an ultrasound and talk about using Clomid again or injections and go from there.  If it's positive after the two week waiting period, then I go in for a blood test I believe twice in a weeks period to see if some pregnancy hormone has doubled (like it should in a healthy pregnancy).  Then, some time after that we'll check for a heartbeat at which time I believe I would go off of my Metformin. I'll know more details on all this when the time comes.

Thank you for your positive thoughts, well wishes and prayers.  I believe they just might be working!

the egg is READY!

Previously, our egg had been growing very, veeery slowly. Yeah--not so much now. We were hoping for 18mm (the range is 18-20) so we were very surprised to see 21.9 on the screen today! I don't think it matters that it's as large as it is, it just means we need to hurry. Instead of her sending me home with the trigger shot she stuck it my hip/butt right after the ultrasound. It actually still hurts. But I'm so excited. My boss? Not as thrilled. He's out of town as of today and will be gone for 2 weeks. Since I'm the only employee, that makes things terrible for where I work. We have visitation on Wednesdays (of course) and I need to typically be there from 3:30-9:00pm. And I won't be able to do that. Oh well. Such is life! We have more exciting things to think about. :)

Our IUI is set for tomorrow (Wednesday, 11-10) at 4:30pm. Should take about an hour. Let you know how it goes! 

[Meanwhile, I just got a pissy text from my boss. And I quote, 'Ok. I am going to postpone my departure till Thursday.  I will work tomorrow then. Thanks.' Oh Pleaaaaase. I am NEVER late.. always early, driving his keys to him when he forgets them, going out of my way.. whatever.  I texted him a 'I'm really, really sorry. It's just the timing is really important. If it could wait until Thursday, of course I would wait.' He did respond..'No prob! really' I don't buy it though.]

monday's ovulation status: negative

Well, I suppose the title says it all.  Of course, we weren't expecting it to say positive, at least not until tomorrow.  Unlike pregnancy tests, OP lines have to be just as dark or darker than the test window.  Pregnancy tests, even a faint line is still interpreted as a positive. So, I had a faint line today.. but it's still a negative.  I'm not familiar with OPKs really, so I don't know if because it was faint today it has a better chance of being darker tomorrow.  Plus, on the packaging it says there can be false positives if you have PCOS or are on Clomid.  Of course, Dr Chen knows all of this and still suggested it so I'm going to go with the fact that she knows what she's doing.

I'll know more tomorrow!

follicle check sunday, 11.7.10

Super awesome. It just deleted my whole effing post. I will try to duplicate.

Egg is at 16.4mm, exactly 3mm larger than it was on Friday. It's growing! Slow growing, but still progressing.  It's just a lazy potential-Garcia.

As of now, I've been instructed to grab an OPK (ovulation predictor kit). They're in the neighborhood of $60+, so I'm going to get the week supply, since I only need 2, for $20.  I wish I had time to shop online, I know I could find them cheaper--but I don't have the time. Plus, if this cycle doesn't work out the way we hope, maybe I'll have a use for the other 5.

Dr Chen wants the egg to be at 20mm before the IUI.  My uterine lining surprised us all when she checked it today--it was like a normal ovulating woman's uterine lining! I think it was 5? With that news, (the lining is supposed to thicken when a maturing egg is in the making to prepare for baby/implantation) she thinks I just might ovulate on my own, since the rest of my body is shockingly acting 'normal.' That would be amazing.  I'm a 'natural' type of person, so this process has been a mix of emotions for me.  I'm thankful and excited that we have a real shot at this with the aid of modern technology, but at the same time the more I can 'do' on my own the better I feel, the more grateful I feel.

Backtracking a bit.  The high dose of Clomid (I'm sure I've mentioned this) thins your uterine lining, and you need to be supplemented with estrogen. I'm so happy we're not going to need more estrogen.  Moving forward. Our instructions are to buy the OPK, use one tomorrow morning (Monday, 11-8) and Tuesday morning (at the same time I did it Monday morning).  God willing, it will be positive come Tuesday morning. If it is positive Tuesday morning, I am to call the office, tell them the good news and make an appointment for a Wednesday IUI.  If negative Tuesday morning, I will still call the office, but it will be to make (another!) ultrasound appointment for Tuesday to check the egg's progression.  By this time, at the rate it's been growing, it should be 20mm.. or damn close.  She'll give me the hCg (hGc?) shot to trigger ovulation and we will also make a Wednesday appointment for IUI--though I believe it will be a different time of day as opposed to the positive OPK appointment. Either way! Wednesday is the day, assuming nothing crazy happens. :)

Oh, I've been reading the famously ridiculously informative (and sometimes silly) book 'What to Expect When You're Expecting.'  Many things I knew prior to picking up the book, quite a few that I didn't, and some I laughed at. At any rate, I am much more informed than I was before.  I'm reading it alongside Sebastian and his book, 'What to Expect When Your Wife is Expanding.'  His is mostly just hilarious. I bought them both on Amazon a couple weeks ago for about $11 total (including shipping). Of course, in his book the front page is devoted to a wonderful dedication about what a great dad Ronald was going to be in September, 1993.. but it was a sweet dedication, so I just crossed out Ronald's name and put in Sebastian's. And replaced John and Kim's name with mine.

they grew!! ultrasound 11/5/10

Well, one grew! One is better than none, but not as great as two or more--but nonetheless we have a ripening eggie! So we get to move to the next step this cycle. I have an appointment this Sunday at 8:30a to have another ultrasound to make sure that the egg has reached at least 18mm. Today it was just under 14 (13.6) which is more than double since the last ultrasound on Monday. Things are lookin' good!

A mature egg needs to be 18-20mm for the trigger shot followed by the IUI. She has no doubt it will be at least 18, but the date for the shot is up in the air.  Could be Sunday or Monday. We'll see! I'm excited that I'm going in on Sunday because Sebastian will get to go with me and not take any time off work.  Of course, for the IUI on Monday, he'll have to take time off work but the less time he takes off the better.

Well that's about it for now.  More good news to follow on my Sunday post. :)
Oh, and did I mention I have to give myself the shot? Super!

Ciao!

'follie' check eve!

Yes, on the message boards I've come to find out that eggs/follicles are fondly referred to as 'follies,' and I like that term. It's fun.

So--I've also come to find that I'm not nervous about tomorrow morning. Not at all, actually. I'm pretty calm.  Of course I hope that our eggs are mature, but if they aren't then they will be next month.  You gotta keep the faith, man.  And I have it. :]

Still, keep us in your thoughts tomorrow morning.  This month may or may not be ours, but it sure would be a blessing if it were.

Update manana!

egg progression

Had my 'egg check up' this morning. There are two eggs (one on each side) that are growing, but not all that great. She figured they'd be farther along now, but she was happy that they were at least bigger than before the Clomid. They're at 6mm and they were at 4 or 5 last week.  They need to be about double what they are now to receive the trigger shot and IUI.  So, here's hoping they double by Friday! I have an appointment Friday at 9:30a to check their progression again.  She's thinking they'll be 11 or 12mm by then, and we'll do the trigger shot Sunday and have the IUI Monday. If things don't look bigger and better, then we know that no amount of Clomid will work for us and we'll move to the injectable medications.

I'm a little bummed, but still hopeful.  You're supposed to ovulate 5-10 days after your last Clomid pill (read it online, not from Dr) which would put us in a range for between this Wednesday and next Monday. I also read that people need trigger shots when they are on high doses of Clomid (150+) but that some people don't need them.  Dr Chen seems to think that I do, and I trust that she knows what she's talking about!

So keep your fingers (and toes!) crossed that we get some serious egg growth by Friday!!